But…

What a stressful few weeks this has been.

If you are one of the few people who actually reads and notices what my on-line identity has been spewing out recently you may have picked up that there has been some quite big and stressful changes going on at work. As I write this some of those changes are finally out in the open – some more will be released on Monday (I am writing this late on Saturday night but wont publish it till probably Tuesday).

I have had to scale back on my blogging / tweeting / facebooking – as the things I wanted to talk about I either wasn’t allowed to, or it wouldn’t have been appropriate to. That’s been quite hard. Rightly or wrongly some of my emotional support comes through these somewhat tenuous electronic relationships. But as I blogged about how it was appropriate for me now to wear trousers in work, it wasnt appropriate for me to talk about these things publicaly. Some of it I wont/cant talk about. In fact I am sure some people will think that me even talking about this at all isn’t appropriate. But hopefully what I blog about here is appropriate. This is my personal blog – in a public place. What I write are my personal thoughts and feelings filtered for public viewing.

When this all kicked off at the start of term – I blogged about how it was really obvious to me that God was carrying me through and providing me with a complete sense of peace. I also talked about how I was trying to keep my hands up – in God’s Hands – during times when it was so very easy to grab on to the nearest thing around me that I felt would provide refuge and safety.

I cant claim to have managed to keep my hands up all the time. I tried. I managed it for more that I thought I would.

I cant claim to have allowed that peace to continue to give me comfort and strength. I tried. But there were certainly quite a few dark days.

But…

I am still very aware that the ever changing God that I don’t deserve to have a relationship with – was (and is) with me.

I am very aware of God’s hand on my shoulder. It has given me comfort, strength, guidance and the occasional firm squeeze when I needed it.

I started this process with a real chance of not having a job by Christmas. But I found out on Wednesday that I am part of a new technical support team at work so I get to continue to have a job. To work in the place I am really excited to be. My job will change – it will expand into areas that I have wanted to support for some time. Some of my existing responsibilities will pass on to a new post above me – but that will give me the capacity to focus on my newly expanded role and to hopefully develop other things that I wouldn’t have had the chance to.

Unfortunately this is all coloured by the fact that one of my colleagues isn’t part of this new team. All the worries and stresses that I have spent the first half of this term trying to put to the back of my mind – are all now painful realities to him. I am hopeful that the painful change in his life will be at the bottom end of the scale and that he will find a solution that will financially and personally work for him.

It is all very hard.

The next few months was always going to be an exciting / busy / challenging time for me in work. The necessary changes at work will result in a team that is better equipped to support the expanding technical operations. In the short term its going to be … interesting ….

But…

By Easter next year I will be the Senior Technician in a leading academic institution. I will have had the opportunity to equip two state of the art venues, the wider £22 million development and to be part of the commissioning process prior to opening. I will have developed new skills, put in place new systems and expanded our technical support across the college.

It will, I suspect, be a rollercoaster of a ride. Its a ride I am looking forward to. Standing in the aparently endless queue for the past few weeks has been painful. The price of entry has been almost unbearable. But the ride promises to be a good one. I will try to keep my hands up.  I am sure many around me will think I am a nutter for not holding on to the safety harness – and I am sure there will be times when I will make a grab for it.

But…

I will try to keep my hands up.

Hold on to the God in whom I put my trust in.

I am trying to live my life in His hands. I am human so I will make mistakes. I don’t claim to be perfect -far from it.

But…

I am trying not to live a life full of imperfections. I am trying to reflect the God in whom I put my trust. I know I do that poorly a lot of the time. To those of you who have seen that reflection through me un-clearly or not at all and to my God who deserves my all but so rarely gets it – I am sorry more than words can express. My prayer is that my actions both public and private will help to start to clear up the reflected Light of the God in whom I put my trust. I don’t deserve for that light to even flash across me for a second – but only through His grace – not my actions – can I bask in that light. I need to reflect that Light better.

I will hold my hands up

Hold on to the God in whom I put my trust in.

One thought on “But…

  1. Good to hear that you are getting thro this tough period – you’ve all been in our thoughts. Keep hanging on to God on the next bit of the rollercoaster, it’s the only secure way I’ve found!

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