Its been a week or so since I wrote the last part of this. I feel I need to write 2 more post and then I think this collections of posts will be done – back to “normal service” …
Its funny how numbers have become important – specifically the number 1.
After we found out Jack had died everything became about the 1st
1st time we went to bed knowing he had died
1st time we went to be just the 3 of us
1st time we spoke to our families
1st time we saw our friends
1st time Em ate mayo after getting pregnant
1st week after we found out he had died completed
I dont think that’s a bad thing – with such a big thing like this – you life does just stop in a way that very few other events can replicate. Everything after that pause slowly starts back up again and they will naturally be “1st”s.
It very much like a fullstop. Life dosent have many of them. I not sure right now if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
I am aware how easy it could be to fall in to a terrible trap of always keeping track of the 1st’s
1st time I have been shopping
1st time I have cut the grass
1st time I have cleaned the car
1st Friday night after the week after THAT Friday Night
1st week completed after completing the 1st week ….
Remembering what has happened is very important. Thats probably the biggest reason for me writing these posts. But I dont want to dwell too long – thats not helpfull for me or those arround me.
Jack would have brough so much Joy over his life – I want to remember him and mourn his loss. But not replace that potential Joy with a long standing set of negative emotions and outlook.
So I am taking things one thing at a time, one page at a time.
I am not on the page where we found out Jack Died anymore.
But that dosent mean that it dosent matter or that i have forgotten.
That page is part of my story now. I cant go back and change it.
That page will affect all the other pages in my book – But thats ok.
I am glad that God knows what lies ahead in my book – and in some ways and am glad i dont. Life can be really, really hard.
But I want to keep turning the pages.
One at a time.
I dont want to skip though past the bad bits – they are all part of my story.
So I will keep turning the pages.
One at a time.
And thats ok.