Before I start – dont think for a second I am saying that I think that he died because God wanted it. I dont know if I’m theologically correct in this – but I dont feel that God went “ok time for you to go”. But in all the other things we have clearly seen God @ work. We are comforted and strengthened by that. If you are not a Christian – you probably gave up reading this already and have skipped to the end for the summary. I guess it may come across as someone deluding themselves to hide from the grief – but for me – I am sure that God exists and he is looking out for me and my family. I dont understand why our baby died but I do know that God has clearly showed his presence to Me and Em in the events surrounding his death. Anyway rambling – must get on.
Just as we were going to bed (early for us) on last Wednesday evening it became clear that there was a problem with the baby. Em decided to drive herself to the hospital to have it checked out. Em is very phobic of hospitals. She somehow felt able to do this by herself rather than wake Amy or get any friends up to help.
Once there she found out what she had been worried about for quite some time – the baby had died.
The staff were fantastic – non of them actually appeared to want to say that the baby had died – but it was clear he had. Em said this to them and was then able to ask questions about what was to happen next and then drive home to me.
I had been in a right state at home waiting for news. Miraculously one of my old and very good friends appeared on Facebook and started a chat with me – 1st time for both of us – he is never on Facebook! He kept me company as I waited – it was just what I needed.
Em broke the news to me as she came in. I dont think I will ever forget the sadness from that night.
We got about 3 hours sleep that night.
The following morning we started telling people – hardest thing I have ever done.
Having to tell our beautiful Amy that the baby in mummy’s tummy had died, will, I think, forever make my eyes well up.
But once again our gift from God was able to point out the positives and very quickly asked “will you be able to play with me now you are not porley?”
We were now in an odd limbo land – we had told most people. But we were just waiting for the physical side of it to be all over. It was so full of unknowns and unanswered questions it was a horrible time. We were able to start dealing mentally with the loss of Jack (what we would probably have called him if he was a he) but everything was on hold until the physical side was over – we had been told to expect anything from full on labour to “happen easily at home”.
Again God’s timing was perfect – on Friday afternoon just after Amy had gone down for nap. It ” happened easily at home”. We called the paramedics after being bounced round 4 departments at the hospital. They came and dealt with everything wonderfully. It was lovely for me to see the sense of relief on Em’s face as she realised that the worst bit – the big scary unknown – was over. God provided us with a little light relief in the form of a woman who sat in the road outside beeping at the paramedic who had stopped outside of our house – he was in her way as she needed to turn around .. Who beeps at a paramedic ….
As Em went with the ambulance staff and had a merry dive round the hospital as people tried to figure out where she should go. I waited at home for Amy to wake up. Very odd. On her way out to the ambulance Em was able to give me a list of practical instructions of things to sort before I came in to the hospital to join her. Once that was done I was a bit stuck! My beautiful baby girl was still sleeping, the bag was packed … my wife was in hospital …
Eventually she woke up and I took her over to play with her friends – the hospital called just as I was leaving the house to say where Em had been taken to. Having to explain to Amy that mummy had gone to see the Doctors to make her better after the baby had died – was a bit difficult – especially when she said “it will come back soon”.
“no, I’m sorry baby it wont be coming back, it’s died”.
I am not sure a 3 year old understands death – I am not sure if a 3 year old should understand death. But I think she “gets it”. Its very hard.
Soon Amy was dropped off at friends and I was by Em’s side in the hospital – despite my internal navigation being completely confused by the maze of Heath Hospital.
A couple of hours after it had all started – it was over. Miraculously easy. Em found the strength to cope with being in a hospital AND to have a blood test AND to have an injection. Anyone that knows what Em is like with needles and hospitals knows this is proof that God exists.
Ok so that may be stretching it a little far 😉 – However you look at it – EM was very brave and coped tremendously well.
What followed was something decidedly unpleasant
It was very frustrating. After all the physical side was done we were probably in the hospital for another 3-4 hours. There was a LOT of hanging around waiting for forms to fill out. We just wanted to get out to see our wonderful Amy.
Eventually we got out. We paused to say goodbye to Jack on the edge of the Hospital grounds.
That was the end of a difficult chapter. Time to turn the page.
We had a beautiful and bitter-sweet walk back through Heath Park to number 56 where I had left the car. It was the same route we walked in the middle of the night to the hospital whilst Em was in labour with Amy.
We went round to our friend Non’s To pick up Amy. She had been the perfect house guest! We then sat with Non and had some toast and hot drinks – just what we needed. Non has been through what we are going through so it was just right to sit for an hour or so in the company of people who know what its like.
It was hard being home that night.
It was the 1st night we were just 3 since we found out Em was pregnant.